Shuang-Min Chang

I did't know where to find you other than in my heart.

It should be enough but not.

Then, a galaxy came through you or with you.

A galaxy filled with billions of billions of stars and yet, was so empty, empty and empty.

Each star was a pure feeling, beaming through the empty space.

There were billions of billions of feelings happening all at the same time without cause but just.

Then, I didn't know what I felt about you anymore since you were part of the billions of billions of stars of billions of billions of feelings.

And there was love.

Then inexplicable love.

I started crying, the sad kind, because I could only find you in my heart.

Was you who made me sad?
Was it love who made me sad?
Was it me who made me sad?
Was I sad?
Were you sad?

The galaxy in my heart.

You are my galaxy.

So few is known and so many yet to discover.

In the known and unknown, do I understand?

Do I know you?

Do I know me?

How many light years are there between knowing and understanding?

How many life time will I need to begin understand?

You are the galaxy in my heart.

You are my galaxy, filled with billions of billions of stars, beaming rays of billions of billions of feelings, just.

I feel them all all at once and I feel none of them; therefore, I am.

They said the poems written by Tagore were not love poem but his documentation of communing with god(s).

What does Silence do for life?

This is a recount of my own journey. I have no desire to convince but to invite to connect with the quietness in your heart, the most magical place on earth.

On 17th May 2023, I entered my very first silent retreat. I was, on the one hand, called for this practice since 2019 and on the other hand, there was so much resistance so that I sometimes joked that the pandemic perfectly orchestrated my escape from the plan to go to Japan for a 10-day Vapassana.

Nevertheless, I was carried by the flow towards 2022 when I was prepared to commit to practicing meditation and yoga. Yes, I “was prepared” by everything in life to be ready. It was not an intellectual decision at all. I had resisted yoga and mediation for as long as I knew about these two things even I knew intellectually they were “good” for a lot of things that mattered to me — health, ease discomfort of scoliosis, doing better in physical training and emotional stability.

When I heard word about this silent treat happening, a voice came to me, saying, “It’s time.” Without knowing any details — fees, dates, venue, I committed to it right away and asked for reservation for a spot.

I was anticipated. I was scared. I was unease. I started having second thought about it. I went ahead anyway because intuitively, I knew it was time even though I didn’t know time for what, really.

We all come from silence.

Our galaxy came into existence from silence (nothingness, void).

Our planet came into existence from silence.

The stones, sands, mountains, water on earth came into existence from silence.

The living life on earth came into existence from silence.

The way of the Universe and the Nature IS the way of life.

It was not difficult for me not to talk. I’ve been living quite seclusively ever since pandemic and could go days without making contacts with or speaking to a single soul. Being able to get alone with myself and enjoying my own company were things I’d cultivated since my early adulthood.

Only when I was sitting on the mat, cross-legged and listening to the guidance about Silence, did I know the depth of it.

**We all come from silence.

Everything of us comes from silence.**

I took it upon myself to practice the layers of silence, not only ceasing verbal communication but also ceasing the emergence of the desire to speak and of thoughts.

The desire to speak which arose from time to time faded pretty soon, especially when the phone was turned off, neither social media nor instant chats was an option.

The curious part was to observe where and how thoughts surfaced and how they desired to be expressed (in any form).

How surprising for me to find out for myself in a much more acute way of what occupied most of my mind most time of a day. The ones most loud were precisely the one I intellectually forced myself to let go the most. It was startling, at the same time, hopeful to witness this disarray and misalignment of self.

If it was only natural having thoughts bubbling up like the mind was a pot of boiling milk, how could I be with Silence?

The answer was in the question as so many other things about life. Simply BE WITH Silence.
Swami Veda described it quite fittingly. The waves of the ocean will never stop roaring and yet, if one dives under the ocean, he is always in the silence even though the waves continue the same.

So, I dived.

Whenever I found myself engaging with the thoughts or emotionally tangled with the desire of the thoughts to be expressed, I dived under.

At the beginning, of course, like every ocean diving beginner, I floated up uncontrollably or was drifted away in the current, disoriented. It was ok. I took a breath, readjusted myself and attempted the dive one more time and one more time.

I was in contact of the silence from which I came into being. It was a beautiful feeling, filled with light and love and nothing else.

I learned to discern my own desires of expression and what purpose of each desire truly served. I was given an opportunity to really take the driving wheel of what I breathed into the world.

Then, the silent retreat was over and everyone started talking again.

I talked and spoke but they were not the same.

There was a space opened up where I could, with more scrutiny, choose and decide and commit to what I breath into the world, which allowed me to stay in better alignment with my authentic self.

And when we are in contact and in alignment with our authentic self, what happens?

For me, less fear, less anger, less doubts — in short, the dis-serving mind activities reduced hugely.

And when our dis-serving mind activities diminish, what happens?

More concentrated. More calm. More open to joy and love. More flow.

I came out the silent retreat to see my reality realigned themselves with me.

The person I’ve been pitching for becoming my business partner was ready to be on board overnight. (Before the retreat, I was toying with the notion to probably have a plan B as I didn’t feel she would be ready any time soon.)

Some missing pieces in my coaching business I’d been grinding to get answers arrived to me during one of the meditation during. It was like the final missing piece of confidence in what I did came into place — the wholeness.

A staggered and yet dear relationship took an unexpected and drastic turn, opening up new opportunities to create more serving dynamic and for the first time in two years, the angst and fussing around it were gone.

I didn’t do anything business or relationship related activities obviously during and yet.

Yes, it was that magical as the wanders people talked about so much.

Yet, since then, I am mindful to focus my practice on staying with the silence even when I was talking to someone and on letting go the expectations of the silence.

We always say not to forget where we come from because that’s who we are.

**We all come from the same place, the silence.

We are all love and light.**

Be love and be loved. I am. You are.

I am not going to convince you again to see the glass is half full instead of seeing it half empty.

Believe it or not, however your first response and emotion to it, you've spent years and years since childhood to perfect this craft.

Yes, the craft to see either it's half full or half empty and the emotions attached to the interpretation.

There is no use to convince or persuade you otherwise because this craft of yours belongs to a grander mechanism to protect you from feeling hurt, sad, disconnected, unloved and so on. In other words, it's what you employ to make yourself feel strong and safe.

Over a half glass of water? You tilted one side of your eyebrows.

Our way of perceive the reality is an intricate, complicated network which build around the core of how we believe what make us safe, connected, loved and most fundamentally, survive.
So, no, I am not here to convince but to invite.

I am here to invite you to see the nature of things as it.

There is a glass and there is water.

It's neither full nor empty.

Whatever amount of the water, if you are thirsty, you can take the glass and drink up to ease the thirst. (Maybe you would still feel like more because you are extremely thirsty but let's leave this for another day.)

If you are not thirsty or have no use of water at the moment, the glass and the water have nothing to do with you even when the water is overflowing the glass.

Call yourself an optimistic or a pessimistic. Honestly, it doesn't matter.

Yes, you are an optimistic; you immediately see the glass half full and feel good about it. Yet, if you have no use of water, does it matter? (Of course, it matters because you have a good mood thanks to your point of view.) Why do you spend time and energy judging a glass of water?

What matters is whether we are willing to observe things as they are without forcing an optimistic or a pessimistic view on it but choose to see the possibilities in them, to open to how they can serve us at the moment.

Almost all the time, we can't rewire or alter our system of viewing the world at a snap of fingers but we can take a pause.

Yes, usually the judgement and the feeling surface and claim to be seen and heard in a split of second before we can consciously take a pause. It's ok. Be with them and then take a pause.

Most likely, we won't always feel great in the mood but we can always find possibilities in any kinds of the mood states as long as we are willing to take a step back to see things as they are.

If you are willing to do so, soon you will find a new space of calm, happiness, love and connection in your heart even when you feel low, sad, stressed, unsatisfied.

There is a glass and there is water in it.

Be love and be loved.

This morning, while reading, a voice gently whispered,

"You are on the journey of leaving."

Then I recalled those times you worriedly asked me not to leave and anxiously anticipated that I would leave at some point.

My dear,

We are all on a journey of leaving.

The idea of settling down or staying somewhere is essentially an illusion which will always be proved at some point in anyone's life.

If you could wrap your head around this, you would start to see there is really no point to hold on to anything.

Your resentment as well as your joy.

Yet, this is not to tell you to take on a pessimistic view or a cynical attitude and to be an inactive person.

Not holding on doesn't mean there is nothing to be grateful for, to appreciate or to love.

In each split second of this illusion of staying on and togetherness, we shall give our full energy with full intention of love, do our best to appreciate and behave accordingly through the attempts to prolong this illusion.

Second to second, they are like beads. When we thread them together, they reveal the length of time. It takes tremendous efforts to be alive in each second - all organs have to be working in harmonious way according to their assigned function and the environment has to be fit for our survival.

So many is in play, all for an illusion.

Treat each and everyone of them with the highest reverence you can bring. It's of the gods and of the divine.

This illusion is the journey.
This knowing is the self.

This is the package called life.

So, get creative. Be an extraordinary illusionist.

Be love and be loved.

I am not my beautifully bronzed skin.

I am not my dedicatedly trained body.

I am not my laughters, nor my tears.

I am not my pain, nor my relief.

I am not my self-confidence, nor my worries.

I am not my parents' daughter.

I am not that woman who has two-page CV full of titles and credentials.

I am not that woman who travels and who settles.

I am not that woman who stands on the waves and who stands on a hanging thread.

I am not my thoughts, nor my actions.

I am not the one who loves you; nor the one who doesn't love you.

I am simply NOT so that I can be.

I am not the defined but a void, full of nothing so that there is always something.

I am not the shown but the invisible, transparent through which everything is seen.

I am not the lived but the unborn spirit, embodied no time and space where incarnation is possible.

I am simply not so that I can be.

I am simply not so that I can be.

Be love and Be loved. I AM.

• We tend to hold on to the notion of "self" so tightly unconsciously. By doing so, there is much missed out, the possibilities and the knowing of unlimited self.

I no longer love you.

This is the love I can give.

It's hard to tell what love really is when we have a fixed idea of what it is.

There are times we are called to walk the opposite of what we believe so that we can stay connected to it.

So that we can continue showing up as THAT.

It's not about what and how others understand the love we are BUT about what and how we know the love we are and keep showing up authentically.

If it means to walk away from the conventional and to risk being misunderstood, be that courageously.

Give the love of not loving when it is called so that they have an opportunity to find out they are love without having.

Trust that you are love courageously.

For there is no other way to be human.

Be love and be loved. I am. You are.

• Do you feel it's trying to move pass a heartbreak and it's holding you back?
• Do you want to feel love at any given moment regardless the circumstances?
• Are you the love you desire to attract in your life?

Love is an energy. As all energy, it's entangled with other energies internal and external. Calibre your own and rest will follow.

I sent most of my clothes to dry cleaning because they needed special care.
I sent my leather items to specialist once a year to keep them shine and lasting.
I took my car to check up twice a year.
I called house deep cleansing specialist twice a year (I didn’t even own those places).
I updated my electronic devices when prompted.
I had regular check up scheduled with my dentist and the health centers.

A tiny loose thread on any piece of my clothes would not pass my scrutiny.
A slight change of sound from the accelerator would urge me to take my car to the garage.
A spotless and tidy living environment would be the minimum requirement I expected myself to provide.
A speedy calculation on an excel sheet was my livelihood.
A body assembled by decently healthy body parts would give me a peace of mind.

Most of us are very faithfully diligent getting our external parts (however far the extension goes) checked, updated, repaired and even renewed.

Yet,
When was the last time you get your happiness, fulfillment, confidence, creativity, curiosity, hope and/or love checked?
When was the last time you get your tendencies and habits of self-sabotaging, self-negation, self-doubt and self-denial repaired?
When was the last time you get your state of peace, calm, awe, courage, sensitivity and/or freedom updated?

Isn’t it curious?
We put so much time, energy and resources to our extensions which are not really ourselves but we so easily overlook our being?
Unconsciously, we believe that the extensions are what bring us into being and solidify our being when it’s actually the other way round.
Wouldn’t we create and attract more of whatever we desire in the external world if we horn in our being first?

I do believe we are here in life to savour and enjoy what it has to offer.
Would you enjoy a 3-star Michelin dinner more when you are delighted in the mood or sour in the heart?
When in the modern life we get more and more external extensions, isn’t it even more paramount to take care who we are first?

Really, put YOURSELF on the schedule and rest will follow.
Be love and be loved. (Don't forget to do a regular checkup for this too!)

Only if I could caress away the worries in your eyes and on your heart.

You love the ocean. It's probably the one and only thing you let yourself love freely and courageously.

What comes with love is the worry, worrying that it's going to change and die because of the vile, careless and ungrateful behaviors of human beings, over-polluting, over-fishing, over-exploring and on and on.

The love is served to you on a plate with cynicism, helplessness, hurt, disappointment and alienation from your kind.

Too much flavor to swallow. Life is.

I understand this heavy weight in your voice. Believe it or not.

I was there, where you are.

I had wondered if as a species, we were eventually only to cause more damage than something better, why were we here?

I had ground my teeth while anticipating everything I loved and appreciated was going to be lost.

Butterflies. Rice Fields. Whales and dolphins. Salmon. Limpid rivers. Fireflies. Fresh air.

My parents had these tales of their childhood. They could catch fish at their door steps during monsoon season when the water overflew from the river and sewerage. I grew up with a sense of loss for something I never experienced because for some reason some people or something took it from me.

Neither our grandparents generation, nor our parents generation, nor our generation was built to acknowledge that changes were part of the package. We carried on the sense of loss and the anger because of it unknowingly.

Is this how we want to build going forward?

I hosted the unfounded anger and cynicism for so long, which crippled my ability and capacity of really seeing my own world and what's possible for my own life.

The changes in this human life are so imminent.

Yet,

This earth we know has been through extreme hyperthermia and hypothermia.

Its lands crashed, separated and drifted apart many times.

Life sprouted from non-existence into existence and into hundreds and thousands forms.

It knew intimately of scarcity and abundance.

It always finds the way. ALWAYS.

We, you and me, are smaller than a grain of sand all things considered if we get to have a conversation with the earth.

It's the evolution which we loose sight of since our life is much shorter than the grand scheme.

Then, can we trust even when we don't get to see the next grand appearance in this life?

Are we willing to trust in the current outlook of contraction that there will be all things magnificent coming out of it.

Can we let go of our fixed view of how things should be and really, trust that all is for the best even we have no clue what "best" means?

Can we trust that we matter even when we are smaller than a grand of the sand?

Our primate ancestors didn't know that they would one day stand on two feet or that they would conjure fire with two wood sticks.

When they did, they didn't know without standing on two feet or discover fire, we would one day walk on the moon and discover a galaxy.

They didn’t know the map of evolution and yet, they mattered.

What if the love is served with trust?

What world can we make for our own and the aeons to come?

Be love and be loved.

I've come to a conclusion.

To create a life of extraordinary quality lies in the ability and capacity to make decisions and to commit to those decisions.

Yes, decision and commitment have to come hand in hand like best friends forever.

(Take a close look, we are making hundreds of decisions and stick to them everyday. While many of them go to autopilot mode, it doesn't mean we don't make them.)

I've encountered many who hesitate to decide because of their fear for making the wrong decision.

Take a stock of all life events in your life, big and small; I bet there were some very bad decisions at the moment turned out to be a blessing in disguise and some good ones got sour unexpectedly quickly.

When I moved to China from Italy, I was very evasive when asked about the reason of the move. I was afraid that people would see me as a failure.

That was a decision which had needed to be made as all the "ideal" ones were nowhere to be found at the time. I felt my hands were forced and I felt I failed myself severely.

Yet, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I was glad that I chose to open up instead of contracting in to an illusory ideal (at that moment).

So, just decide.

Inability to decide is like inability to drive a car even with a license. If you don't know where you are going, what's the use of a car; even a Lamborghini couldn't of help.

I've encountered many who unconsciously recant their own words and who when asked to confirm any of their decisions shake like leaves in the wind.

We (majority of population) create ourselves with words, spoken or unspoken.
We also create our own realities (successes or failures; happiness or sorrows; respect or offense and more) with words, spoken or unspoken.

Ask yourself these two question,

"Are you aware of what you say and why you say it at all times?"

"Are you aware of what thoughts running the race in your head at all times?"

No, many don't so that they don't know the damage they were doing to themselves mentally and spiritually through and by keeping changing their words. (No, they don't agree that they are changing their words as they are not fully aware of conjuring them.)

No, many don't so that when they are asked to confirm their words, they are afraid to confirm something they are not aware of or sure of in the first place.

Inability to commit is like inability to start a car. You may know how to drive a car and even be well-knowledged about cars. Knowing a language is not the same as using them to its full capacity to one's own advantage.

You don't want to risk to fail. I get it.

"What if I make a decision and commit to it with efforts intellectually, physically and mentally but I don't make it happen in the end?"

Ironically and fortunately, it's not about promising making it happen BUT about taking this journey.

As I always say, "A river takes its ebbs and flows and it always ends going into the ocean."
Well,

It could be a dry year and the river runs dry for a year.

It could be a year with too much rain and much water of the river runs wild (so it nourished the lands it passes through in the guise of a disaster.)

It could be taking too many turns and seems like losing its course.

Yet, when the water flows, it always goes to the ocean.

We always make something happen. Or, something always happen whether we intend to control or not.

Decision and commitment horn in the energy.

So that, while focused, we can be really open to the journey, the dry season, the flood season, the trick turns and the scenery along the way without concerning ourselves to be lost.

When one's energy is horn in and vibrate in a harmonious way, there, there is the certainty of an extraordinary life.

Be love and be loved.